Betty-Ann Heggie's Reflections on Gender Physics

The 5 W's of Networking Plus “How”

We all need a community - people we can call on when things get tough and we need a hand. A network is nothing more than friends helping friends. Here’s the 5 W’s to making that happen. 

1. Who: You can learn from anyone so be curious with everyone you meet, from taxi cab drivers to restaurant proprietors. Each may have a contact to help you reach your goals. And, if they don’t, you may be surprised to find that there is someone in their network who does! 
2. What: Form relationships which aren't all about you, but rather are all about "us." Send others articles of interest, introduce them to your friends, comment on their Facebook page, and give them glowing recommendations. If you work for them, it will come back to you.  
3. When: Begin at birth or, at the very least, start today. Always form a network before you need it. Don't wait until you are out of work or trying to raise money for an important project or idea. It’s the old adage, "build it and they will come."  
4. Where: You can network at the office, at a club or acting as a volunteer. It doesn't matter if you collect miniatures or curl, if you follow your passion, you'll meet others who are doing what you love to do. Creating a bond with them will happen very naturally.
5. Why: Business happens between people who know each other, like each other and trust each other. People who are part of my community have recommended excellent suppliers, put my name forward for bookings for and supported my causes, amongst many other things. I’ve certainly accomplished more in life with them than I would have done without them.
6. How: Get to know others authentically, on a soul-level. That means getting past stereo-types and generalizations. It means revealing a weakness so others believe you are human and sharing what you like to do for fun so they will know that you are more than your job. It is easier to network if you relax and be yourself! 

Even if the sky looks dark and full of clouds, having a network means that you’ll have people you can call on. And, like the song says, “Ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?” 

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Be Really Present to Make Real Connections

Successful networking comes not just from meeting people but from truly connecting with them. And, that is best accomplished from being in the present moment. 

In his book, "Never Eat Alone," Keith Ferrazzi says successful networkers don't just meet people, they make friends. He cites Bill Clinton's "unique ability to create an almost instantaneous intimacy with whomever he's talking to" as an example.

Clinton, he says, "doesn't just recall your personal information; he uses the information as a means to affirm a bond with you." He also quotes a former political colleague who said that Clinton "hugs you, not only physically, but with a whole attitude." 

I don't know Bill Clinton personally, but I can tell from these descriptions that he is a man who is dedicated to meeting people in the present moment.

When you focus on the "now" you really listen, enabling you to feel what others are feeling and be empathetic. That sharing of emotions is how you bond.

When you stand talking to someone and your mind is somewhere else, people will sense that your energy isn't with them and their energy dissipates as well. There is no electricity and the opportunity for the energy circuit between you is lost.

Bonds are created when others believe that you care for them as much as you care for yourself. That is Clinton's talent and we can learn from him.

Start by completely focusing on the individuals that you meet. Pay attention to the detail of their expression and their tone of voice. Soak it in without judgment and with appreciation for your time together. Take a deep breath and hug them with all your senses. They will feel it and so will you.

In fact, you're sure to be remembered because you didn't just meet someone, you made a real connection. You did it by being really present.

Being in the present feels good, connecting feels good and successful networking feels good. Who doesn't want all that?

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Reach Out to Take Care of Yourself

Feminine energy is very "other" oriented but, if women want to get ahead, they must break that pattern. To take care of themselves they need to reach out and network in a strategic manner.

It's all part of balancing their natural energy with a healthy dose of masculine energy and developing good Gender Physics.

Masculine energy starts by establishing a goal. Goals are how we grow. They mean you are taking a risk but that's how you succeed. Feminine energy is very risk averse so it's not a surprise that women don't set more goals. Just by setting a goal you are developing your masculine energy.
 
Next, you need to identify who can help you reach your goal. Once you've determined the individuals who are on that list, you need to decide how often you will reach out and connect with them.

However, in my experience, women are better at doing this for others than for themselves. For example, when I was doing investor relations at PotashCorp, I established a list of our company's major shareholders (those who owned 100,000 shares or more).

Then I set a target of visiting each of these shareholders personally, in their office, once per year. It was an aggressive action-plan that kept us constantly on the road, but it helped us stay in touch with those we depended upon for capital. We wanted to grow our company so their support was integral to us reaching our goal.  

Notice how easy it was for me to set aggressive goals for my company? (It's an example of being very "other oriented.").

What is interesting is that I no longer work at PotashCorp and now have established my own speaking business. Have I established a goal? A list of those who can help me? Have I set targets as to how often to reach out and connect with them? Unfortunately, not. I know better but I don't do for myself exactly what made me successful at PotashCorp. 

If you're like me, there is hope. We can both establish a goal, determine who can help us reach our goal, and decide how often we'll connect with them.

Most importantly, if we pretend that we are doing this for a client rather than for ourselves, we'll make it a priority. It's a way to "trick" ourselves into doing it.

Reaching out and strategically developing a network is key to meeting your goals and taking care of yourself. Are you ready to balance your "other" with yourself? 

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Adapt for Understanding

If you've got something to say, it's important that your message is understood. Sharing a common language isn't enough. Your delivery style will be interpreted differently, depending on the energy and culture of the recipient, so be aware and adapt.  

I worked for four different CEOs at PotashCorp. Each had a different energy, which affected the culture of the organization under their watch. I learned that I had to modify my communication style to find acceptance for my ideas.

The first liked to party and "be one of the boys." To gain respect and be heard, I had to be entertaining. By using slang and banter, I could playfully put down the guys and raise my position.

This communication method was effective with him but I quickly learned that if I did it in the presence of his wife or executive secretary, they relished putting me in my place. That didn't happen to the guys, just to me. Thus, this game of snakes and ladders required careful calculation.       

The second CEO wanted the company to be one big happy family. He sought equilibrium and never flexed his muscles (even with the competition, unfortunately). Everyone was expected to temper differences and fit in. To get his approval, my ideas couldn't be presented as special. Rather, I had to come with the endorsement from the other management to convince him. It was all about the collective. 

The third was a southerner, coming from a culture which is very indirect in nature. He would never give explicit orders but rather would make a statement -  my job was to interpret his desires and make them a reality. If I openly asked, I was viewed as brash and abrasive so I tried to follow the hints and clues. And, I had to present my ideas accordingly, in a tone-downed manner so as not to put him off.

The fourth had an overabundance of masculine energy. He was action-oriented to a fault. Every discussion was viewed as an invitation to make a decision, which he did with lightening speed. I called him "quick draw" and learned never to approach him unless I knew the direction I wanted to go beforehand. To get my proposals passed, I had to be fast, without much preamble - he got bored quickly.

Four CEOs with four different energies caused me to use four unique styles to be understood. Once you are aware, you can adapt and modify. Are you ready to do what you need to do to get your message across?

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Is Culture Holding You Back?

As a woman, the culture of your home, your corporation or your country can hold you back. Do you unknowingly support that?

I'm just home from Morocco, which was a colony of France throughout the first half of the 20th century. Most locals speak French, making it a comfortable place for tourists from France to come and enjoy the sun. And lots do!

As I watched the French women around our hotel, I admired their style and wondered how they manage everything...A high percentage (82%) of them have careers. Along with that, they sport nice, slim, immaculately dressed bodies and each has at least a couple of children in tow. They seem so together.  

Yet, they face cultural problems. In the most recent report of the World Economic Forum, which ranks countries according to gender equality, France fell to 46th place, behind Kazakhstan and Jamaica. Women in that country hold only 18 percent of elected positions and are paid 26 percent less than men.

Some are saying that an outdated Latin patriarchal culture is to blame. Statistics show that French men spend less than half the time the women do maintaining the home and caring for the children.

Ms. Fraisse, a French philosopher was quoted in the International Herald Tribune as saying that the country needs another revolution. Two centuries ago the country got rid of the king as father of the nation and now it needs to get rid of the father as king of the family.     

Society needs to find ways to make marriage and motherhood compatible with women having careers, and that means having men more involved in the home and family.

Women can contribute to that cultural change by making it our objective to share parental duties. If we think that we are the only ones who can feed and clothe the kids, that's exactly what will happen to the detriment of all involved.
     
Changing culture begins with awareness for both ourselves and the men in our lives. Together we can work on our own little corner of the world. Are you ready to start?  

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Want Respect? Prepared to Fight for It?

If you work in a very masculine energy environment, you may need to take on the men in order to win them over and gain respect.

My last blog about the difficulties facing women politicians has me thinking about this. Research shows that they lose credibility when attacked. However, they can regain it by standing up for themselves.    

In her book, "Talking 9 to 5," Deborah Tannen calls this practice "ritual fighting." Our legal system is based on such public debate, creating winners and losers. In court, the winner makes the best case for his/her client, while under-cutting the opponent's argument. 
 
Masculine energy wants to win and it rises to the challenge of opposition. One person attacks, looking for holes and weakness in the proposal. Meanwhile, the other is spurred on by the adrenaline of the verbal battle, coming up with new angles. They work better under the pressure of the fight. 

However, feminine energy has a very different reaction to ritual fighting. When attacked, it backs off and hedges its arguments as a form of protection, which can make the individual appear weak. Rather than helping sharpen the arguments, self-doubt and questions set in, which usually invites more attacks.

Unfortunately, for women who tend to carry more feminine energy, they have trouble presenting their ideas in an environment of open opposition. Organizations are often based on this model as the system was designed by men for men, and masculine energy thrives on a combative communication style.

When our company lawyer retired from PotashCorp, he gave a few closing remarks at the going away dinner, "roasting" his fellow executives. When he came to me he said, "Look out if you disagree with her. It's like running into a buzz saw." What caught me off guard was the admiration with which he said it - he believed that he was giving me the highest praise possible.

If you recognize yourself as someone who avoids ritual fighting, and if your workplace rewards it, be prepared to enter into an animated argument. It will be easier if you choose a topic about which you feel passionate. Once you've fought back, you'll gain respect. Are you up for the challenge?

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Sexist Name-Calling Hurts Women

If a man wants to discount a woman's opinion in politics, he just has to call her sexist names new research has found. However, the research also demonstrates that for women to regain credibility, she can't ignore it; she has to take him to task.   

The study of voter attitudes conducted by Women's Media Center, the WCF Foundation and Political Parity, shows that referring to a female candidate in derogatory terms such as calling her a prostitute, harms her far more than criticism based on her policy decisions.

The usual advice given to women is to ignore the attack rather than drawing attention to it but the study results say that is wrong. A direct response from the female candidate will help restore her reputation at the expense of her opponent. 

The magnitude of negativity from the sexual slurs was surprising. For example, the female candidate lost twice as much support when mild sexist language was added to a political attack - voters saw her as that much less effective. But her support rebounded if she counter-attacked identifying the remark as "sexist, divisive rhetoric."     

What's the lesson? Voters clearly want women to stand up for themselves. It's like fighting the school yard bully - if you take the taunts, others will think it is justified and join in. Women who enter the world of politics would be wise to get comfortable using their masculine energy. It understands that a good defense is a strong offense.

It's unfortunate but slurs are a common way to attack minorities. Those who use them aim to "one up" others. It happens, not only in politics, but also in the workplace.

If you are a victim of sexual slurs, remember that you are not at fault. Don't wait to see if gets worse - call the attacker on his behavior. I say wear his incivility as a badge of honor. Every step forward for human rights came from a struggle. Consider this a conscious-raising activity. It's your job to speak up, not just for yourself, but for women everywhere. That makes it a worthwhile cause, doesn't it?

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Real Men Take Paternity Leave

Men who take paternity leave identify themselves, not just by their jobs, but also as fathers. Children benefit from this input from Daddy but so do women.

Achieving equality in the outside world will come when women achieve equality inside the home. A man who helps women and children live to their full potential, while evolving himself, is what I call a "real man." 

According to National Geographic, 54 countries have paternity leave and the USA lags the world. It's not that the USA doesn't have any real men; they just need the policy to avoid the stigma when they go back to work.

History shows that men will take paternity leave when it becomes a matter of public policy so the law in a country can make this a reality.

For example, Sweden introduced a "Daddy Leave" policy in 1995 saying couples would lose one month of leave when their baby was born unless it was used by the father. Then, in 2002, a second lose-it-or-use-it month was added. A decade ago only four percent of Swedish men took paternity leave but now a full 85 percent take time off when their babies are born. 
      
In Germany, they passed a policy in 2007 that grants two months paid leave to fathers and now the number of men taking a leave when their babies are born has increased from 3 to 20 percent in just three years.
 
Paternity leave is mandatory in Portugal, while Iceland allots three months for each parent individually and an additional three months to be shared by both parents. More European countries are looking at such policies as their populations decline and labour shortages loom.

Leadership can also set an example. In Britain, Prime Minister David Cameron became the first leader of the U.K. to take paternity leave as he took several weeks to care for his newborn daughter.

When I took maternity leave nearly three decades ago, the guys asked me how my holiday was when I came back to the office. I promptly told them it was no vacation and that their wives were working harder than they were. "Don't tell them," they laughingly responded.

These guys were good Dad's according to social mores at the time - it's just that we've grown culturally - Tarzan isn't so appealing anymore. Don't you want a Real Man by today's standards?  

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12 Do's and Don'ts for Women Working with Men

To be successful at work it's important to get your point across and be recognized for your ideas, which isn't easy for women in a male dominated environment. To gain acceptance and respect, while avoiding snafus, try using these tactics:

1. Don't ask too many questions: Men will mistake your desire to establish an information base as incompetence.
2. Don't allow yourself to be interrupted: Men will think you don't believe in your ideas if you aren't willing to fight for them.
3. Don't add extra and unnecessary detail: Men will lose patience for you and your ideas before your presentation is over.
4. Do offer solutions: Men like action and will appreciate you for providing an opportunity to "move the ball forward."
5. Do use sports metaphors: Men relate to competitive sports so you are speaking their language if you describe projects using these comparisons.
6. Do have your analysis ready: Men need specific and logical information to have confidence in your proposal.
7. Don't blow off steam: Men are uncomfortable with emotion so calm down before you talk about something upsetting.
8. Do communicate clearly: Men want concise communication so use the 5 W's: who, what, when, where and why.
9. Don't talk about the past: Men want to focus on the future and will think you are a drag if you can't let go of the baggage.
10. Do project your voice: Men don't take seriously a soft voice that sounds unsure. They'll measure you confidence by your tone.
11. Don't apologize unnecessarily: Men will take this as a sign of weakness.
12. Do learn to say "No": Men will take this as a sign of strength and you'll feel more confidence for having said it. 

These rules aren't all necessary with all men or in all work environments. None of us are absolutely male or female, just as some work places (such as an investment bank or a construction site) have a higher degree of masculine energy. These places will demand more effort for women to fit in as they won't be as flexible. Sometimes you'll have to give 100 percent but other times it will be less. Can you "Do" these Do's and Don'ts?

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5 Tips to Get the Reward You Deserve

During the second season of the TV series "Mad Men," Peggy Olson reminds senior partner Roger Sterling that she acquired the popsicle account for the agency. Then she requests that he reward her with her own office, which he does.

A Globe and Mail article describes this scene and then quotes a senior researcher at Babson Executive Education, who says that it demonstrates that intrinsically motivated people, like Peggy Olson, need to be compensated. He goes on to say that Babson research found that when companies overtly reward innovation they get superior performance.
      
We all project our own interests onto these scenes. The researchers at Babson were focused on how companies can use rewards to increase innovation while I am always struck by the methods used by women to ensure their advancement in the workplace.

In this case, I was taken with how important it is for women to ask for what they deserve. In my experience, women will too often land the account and then sit back waiting to be acknowledged. Then, if business carries on as usual and they are given no recognition, they can become disgruntled, believing that they are being taken for granted. A positive quickly becomes a negative.

Here's five tips to help women get the most out of these situations:

1. Point out your successes - the company needs to be reminded of your contribution.
2. Ask for a reward - do it in a factual way with a certainty and tone of voice that could never be interpreted as begging. 
3. Have a suggestion - in this case Peggy asked for an office, but it could be money or a special assignment, amongst other things.
4. Be flexible - if they don't offer what you want, have back-up ideas (maybe some additional vacation time).
5. Move forward - if you aren't successful, put it behind you and don't dwell on it.

When you clearly communicate both your contributions and reward expectations, you'll have a better chance of achieving them. Ready to start?

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