Betty-Ann Heggie's Reflections on Gender Physics

Youth Leaders from China Desire Feminine Energy

China's economy has surpassed Japan and many expect that the United States will be next. What does the future hold to have their growing economic influence on the world stage?

It sounds like an oxymoron to suggest that China could be a leader in developing feminine energy on the planet but that could be the case if the country's youth have their way.    

China has long been a bastion of masculine energy. A nation where people "live to work." Their culture is predicated on individuals making as much money as they can, regardless of the sacrifice it takes to get ahead. It is a hub of external "doing" activity.   

That's why I was intrigued by an article in the International Herald Tribune which suggests that the Chinese youth are shifting away from these traditions. They are interested in developing their "soft power" (which is synonymous with feminine energy). 

The author of the article, Didi Kristen Tatlow, interviewed students from the post 80's generation in China to discuss their aspirations and what drives this new group of leaders.

She discovered the majority don't envy the wealth of individual American citizens. They say they can easily get "iPhones" and other gadgets, so accumulating material things is not a motivating factor.   

What they are looking for is a better value system. They want a life with quality and meaning - a life which maintains the importance of home, family and cultural roots. They want something more than the single - focus on work that drove their parents.

This search for "moral meaning" is at the heart of feminine energy. It "works to live" and is all about being, rather than doing.

The Chinese youth are unexpected leaders in this quest. But when the offspring of those who lived through three decades of communism followed by three decades of an aggressive economic growth curve seek to balance their value-system, we should take inspiration from their leadership. Do you think that we will?

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Celebrate with a Childlike Christmas

Do you have a favorite childhood memory of Christmas? Hang on to that story and the good feelings it generates for that in itself is a celebration, which can awaken the divine child inside of you.

In her book "The Four Fold Way," Angeles Arrien suggests that we ask ourselves, "How do I use the healing salves of singing, dancing and story telling?" She believes that, in modern society, we are estranged from our mythical roots. And, she says that one way to reconnect is to pay attention to what gives us heart and meaning.
 
I believe that there is no better time to do that than at Christmas. Remember your favorite stories, sing your most heart-warming Christmas carols, and dance around the room to "Jingle Bells." Each of these activities will re-acquaint you with the fun of living like children, when everyday was a celebration.

In our busy lives it is easy to forget what we once enjoyed. We routinely ignore good jokes, missing the opportunity to laugh. We have forgotten how to play. But remembering how to dance, sing and tell stories is healing.
 
My favorite Christmas memory took place at my Grandmother's house. All her children and their families had traveled a good distance to share the holidays with her. She met us with open arms, lots of good baking, and brightly colored, hand-crocheted afghans that she had made. This demonstration of love was a potent healing tonic.

Grandma wasn't a saint. She swore when she lost at cards and insisted that each of us agree with her politics. Nonetheless, we knew that she recognized her grandchildren as individuals and that was validating.

Arrien might call my Grandmother a modern day medicine woman because she guided each of us to experience the qualities of wonder, hope and awe.

The healing salves she extended allowed us to pay attention to our life story and I cling to that today, as I reminisce about my favorite Christmas memory. It awakens feelings of childlike joy and holiday anticipation from within me. Do you have a special Christmas memory to share? 

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Love is in the Present Moment

Losing weight isn't about repairing yourself because you aren't broken. You are lovable just as you are. And the best way to connect with love for yourself and your life is to stay in the present moment.

In the present moment there is only love - no worries about what happened in the past or what might happen in the future. The present moment is also where you can end addictions and for me that is food!

In the book "Women, Food and God" the author, Geneen Roth, quotes her spiritual teacher, Stephen Levine, who said, "Hell is wanting to be somewhere else than you are." In other words, if you are in one place and are agitated because you want to be somewhere else, you are creating your own hell. 

It is the same with fixing yourself - if you are one way and want to be different, that creates stress. As Byron Katie says, "There is no peace when we argue with reality." It is better to end the hell of war and simply love the woman in the mirror, exactly as she is today.
 
I've been thinking about this because my relationship with food can be stressful. I mentally run through all that I have eaten and feel guilty. Then I start to feel anxious about what I might eat in the future. You see how I am either fretting about the past or worrying about the future? No present moment there!

But I have truly found that love is the antidote - if I quit worrying about what I've done and what might come, I can just love my life and myself as they are now. Then food doesn't seem so important - it loses its hold over me and I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full.

As Geneen Roth writes, "When you love something, you wish it goodness; when you hate something, you wish to annihilate it." If you love yourself and your body everyday, you'll be able to make changes because you'll act in your own best interest in spite of yourself. 

Please join me in this lovefest. Take time each day to stop and thank your body for all it has done for you. Admire its imperfections and appreciate its unique characteristics. Go inside and feel love and savor it on yourself. Bask in love and enjoy the present moment. Isn't it a great place to be?

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Give Approval to Get Approval

If you want to get approval you must give approval, especially to yourself. This lesson really hit home to me when reading "Walking Through Illusion," by Betsy Otter Thompson.

It's a fascinating book, which delves into people in the life of Jesus and the emotional lessons they learned from him. The book is not about Christianity and it doesn't preach religion. It's about the experiences and growth ordinary people had 2000 years ago and it's easy to identify with them today.  

My father grew up in a strict German household. His mother made soap, grew big gardens and worked in the fields to be sure her children were well provided for. She also wanted to be sure they weren't proud or boastful so she constantly pointed out their faults. Every accomplishment was compared to someone who had done better. As you can imagine her children were humble to a fault - never feeling that they quite measured up. 

Grandma was doing what she thought was best and was probably just as anxious for approval as my father. Of course, this chain reaction ultimately led me to be an approval seeker as well. Luckily, today's modern conveniences free me from the kitchen and the field, which provides the luxury to process these issues instead.

My father would be embarrassed to be compared to the apostle Mark, but I can see the similarities. Mark, a traveling man, left the country and went to the city. Once there, he found his lack of sophistication and naiveté ridiculed by the locals. Craving respect, he tried to improve his position by judging others. Eventually he realized that he had to accept others to be get acceptance himself.

And that lesson is my lesson. When I want someone else to give me approval so I will feel better about myself, I spend too much time in the outside world and not enough time within. With awareness I can get to the point that what others say is irrelevant and that's where I find a peaceful heart. To get approval, I need to give approval, especially to myself. Could you benefit from this lesson too? 

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5 Tips to Get the Reward You Deserve

During the second season of the TV series "Mad Men," Peggy Olson reminds senior partner Roger Sterling that she acquired the popsicle account for the agency. Then she requests that he reward her with her own office, which he does.

A Globe and Mail article describes this scene and then quotes a senior researcher at Babson Executive Education, who says that it demonstrates that intrinsically motivated people, like Peggy Olson, need to be compensated. He goes on to say that Babson research found that when companies overtly reward innovation they get superior performance.
      
We all project our own interests onto these scenes. The researchers at Babson were focused on how companies can use rewards to increase innovation while I am always struck by the methods used by women to ensure their advancement in the workplace.

In this case, I was taken with how important it is for women to ask for what they deserve. In my experience, women will too often land the account and then sit back waiting to be acknowledged. Then, if business carries on as usual and they are given no recognition, they can become disgruntled, believing that they are being taken for granted. A positive quickly becomes a negative.

Here's five tips to help women get the most out of these situations:

1. Point out your successes - the company needs to be reminded of your contribution.
2. Ask for a reward - do it in a factual way with a certainty and tone of voice that could never be interpreted as begging. 
3. Have a suggestion - in this case Peggy asked for an office, but it could be money or a special assignment, amongst other things.
4. Be flexible - if they don't offer what you want, have back-up ideas (maybe some additional vacation time).
5. Move forward - if you aren't successful, put it behind you and don't dwell on it.

When you clearly communicate both your contributions and reward expectations, you'll have a better chance of achieving them. Ready to start?

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Time to Humbly Toot Your Horn

Can we be humble and proud at the same time? We can! It’s another polar opposite for us to manage but research shows that it is to our career advantage to do so.

Women - it’s not enough to toil away humbly at your job - you must be able to confidently draw attention to your contributions. Men are better at this but sometimes go overboard. As a result they can appear arrogant. For them, a little dose of humility would be a good balance.  

"Both should develop more well-rounded skills" was the central advice from a Wall Street Journal/Harris interactive business-school survey. Recruiters surveyed said that men were perceived as forceful, if sometimes pushy leaders, while women interacted more effectively with clients and colleagues. 

The recruiters recommended that women "toot their own horns" and take more risks. They advised men to be more humble, listen better, and stop taking credit for others accomplishments. This is consistent with my theory of good Gender Physics - we can each learn from the other as we develop our opposite energy.

Here are a couple of ideas for self-promotion:

1) Have some fun stories which highlight your accomplishments ready to share in conversation. I always enjoy telling how I bought ties for analysts to encourage them to cover our company when the market was cold on our stock.

2) Graciously accept compliments and don’t downplay your success. Too often I see a woman forfeit an opportunity to be recognized for an accomplishment. She deflects the praise and loses not only the credit, but the chance to connect with the person extending the compliment.  

Here are a couple of ideas for developing your humility:

1) Admit it when you are wrong and thank others for what they have to teach you. In the book "Good to Great," Jim Collins said humility was the chief quality that created a great CEO.

2) Express gratitude and practice empathy. Both are good daily reminders that it's not "all about you." 

If each of us were able to find the balance between humility and pride we'd be able to curb the extremes - we could eliminate arrogance while building up confidence. Are you ready to try?       

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Give Away to Give to Yourself

"Giving to Others is a Gift to Yourself." I not only heard my Afghan friend, Dr. Sakena Yacoobi, say this last week, I felt it. Gifting her with a small amount of time, energy and money left me feeling moved, inspired and fulfilled in a big way. It released me from all my petty concerns, like whether my husband was properly sweeping the walkway. Suddenly it all seemed irrelevant.

This experience wasn't mine alone. I observed everyone who came in contact with this charismatic woman. They felt moved to help and felt equally rewarded in doing so.

There were many examples but the most touching was during a visit to an alternate school where many students and their families live below the poverty line and there are lots of special needs. At a roundtable discussion with high school students, Sakena talked about how difficult it is for mothers in Afghanistan who have lost their husbands. Most are ostracized with no ability to support their children.

"What about social assistance?" a lovely young woman asked. When Sakena replied that her country is poor and couldn't provide help, the girl was taken aback. Obviously this aid had been important to her family and it was shocking for her to consider how they would have managed without it.      

After the meeting this same young woman came and sought out Sakena. She said,"You really touched my heart with the stories of the women in Afghanistan and I want to help. I am going to organize a fundraiser for you."

It brought tears to my eyes - here was someone who had so little but she had a big heart. Sakena was providing her a wonderful opportunity - to give of herself by helping others. As we left the school, I could see the young woman standing a little taller and walking with more confidence.

Imagine how good we'd feel if everyday we gave a gift - even if it was something little like a card, a book or a flower.   Giving detaches us from ourselves. When we give we come together with others, rather than feeling separateness. And that oneness lights us up from within - it feeds our soul. What could you give to another today? 

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Your Advice, Please…

I posted a discussion on a LinkedIn group the other day, and one of the guys responded as follows:

“Does 'Stilletto Chick' refer to a 'chick' with a knife (assassin) or a 'chick' in heels (The Devil Wears Prada) or other "chick" innuendo? Since you've chosen the moniker ‘Stilletto Chick,’ is that okay in the corporate world? Personally, I wouldn't go near it. Sounds like a tagline that could get you a reprimand from HR just prior to the Hostile Work Environment lawsuit. Sorry, any serious consideration for the article got lost in the last line.”

My Stilletto Chick name definitely evokes a strong response. The same day he posted this I had an email from a woman who loved it, finding it feminine and fun. She was as positive as he was negative. The name was chosen because Stillettos represents the perfect blend of energies – the feminine stilletto heel, the ultimate expression of feminine energy, evolved from the stilletto dagger, the ultimate expression of masculine energy. By identifying your energy sources and developing your opposite, you can find balance and connect with the Effortless Energy of the universe. Each step is a precarious balancing act between the two energies, but if you can find your balance, you will reap the benefits.

As a result, the Six Stilletto Steps are carefully balanced between the outer, action-oriented masculine energy and the inner, reflective feminine energy. It is all about taking action, but it requires that action flow from the feminine preference for deliberation. In fact, even each individual step has masculine and feminine aspects. Step 1, for instance, requires awareness of both internal and external signals. Feminine energy stops and measures what gives you energy, while masculine energy monitors what is happening in the outside world. The awareness of both will help you on your journey as you determine what feels right on the path you are being guided to follow.

Step 2 asks you to internally accept your discoveries – the feminine act of compassion – but also recommends you stand up and dare to be different – the courage and independence of masculine energy.  By Step 3 you know who you are inside (feminine energy) but masculine energy finds external validation for that internal compass. In Step 4 we find Self-Care tools to restore our energy. Just as each of us are individuals, so will our tools be different. The tools are things we do in the outside world (reflecting the masculine energy of action) but they are designed to re-connect us to our energy source (the feminine energy of the internal).

While Step 5 is focused on action, your successes in the outside world build your internal fortitude and self-esteem. And the celebration of Step 6 combines traditional celebrations and internal reflection. The masculine energy celebrates in the outside world, but it comes with the sense of purpose provided by the feminine.

In the years I spent in a male-dominated corporate setting, I constantly found myself confounded by the “traditional” way of doing things. In short, I found that there was way too much masculine energy – and when that happens, the result is too much focus on action and not enough on planning and deliberation.

My observations of the energy of the genders led me to realize that both energies have something positive to contribute, and we get our best results when we use both energies and allow them to balance and temper one another. I’d like to see all men develop their feminine energy, just as I’d like to see all women develop their masculine energy; that way all individuals can use each energy as the situation demands. So now for the big question: do you think the Stilletto Chick moniker gets that message across, or is it an impediment?

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Celebrate Yourself!

A few months after I reached my 100-pound milestone, I found myself at the edge of a steep hill in Panama. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and jumped.

No, I hadn’t decided to end it all. I was snugly fitted with a harness and affixed to long cable that stretched the top of one platform, over the expansive valley below, and to another platform 800 feet away. It was appropriately called zip-lining, because you go zipping along the line at high speeds before landing, exhilarated, at the next platform. Almost from the moment I stepped off the platform I was screaming my head off, out of some combination of elation and fear.

On that day in Panama, I was finally realizing my goal. It was a steep climb up some rickety steps just to get to the top of the hill, and we then had to climb a ladder up the platform. At my previous weight I wouldn’t have even been able to get to the platform, to say nothing of the fact that I was probably over the weight limit for the zip-line. Losing weight had changed my life in numerous ways, but the most satisfying result was that it made moments like this possible.

In other words, flying through the air and screaming my head off wasn’t just a great travel experience. It was also a celebration of all that I’d accomplished.

Celebration is a funny thing. All too often we’re celebrating in the service of some externally-imposed holiday that just shows up on the calendar and demands that we throw a party. And not only is our cause for celebration external to us, but our method of celebrating also tends to be traditional rather than individual. When was the last time you celebrated your own personal accomplishments, in your own special way?

As women we often don’t take time to bask in the glory of all that we achieve. We need to give ourselves permission to celebrate not only our big accomplishments, but all the incremental ones along the way. Celebrating ourselves everyday is an important part of being the hero of our own journey. It is the Sixth Stilletto Step, and the final chapter of my e-book. It’s all finished, and I’m celebrating!

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How Flexible Are You?

Research shows that the most successful women are proactive and make the most of change. They are adaptable, flexible, and adjust quickly to changing circumstances. But sometimes that feels foreign to our nature. We have to overcome our natural preference to keep things as they are if we want to survive and thrive.  

Recently I sat with a young woman and listened as she described a disheartening situation at work. Her company was reorganizing and the new organizational chart placed a number of inexperienced managers in senior positions, despite the fact that many were more junior than her. And because she worked in a service support position, she would be judged on their success! Additionally, a number of projects that she believed to be important were being “swept under the carpet” or eliminated altogether.

You can imagine her frustration, and I listened patiently as she vented. I don’t blame her for feeling disheartened, but in situations like this, complaining isn’t productive; instead, one needs to adapt and make things work. It’s important to remain positive – you either need to leave, or stay and adjust your attitude.

Men tend to carry a lot of masculine energy, which is an active, “doing” approach to things. Change is a constant, and those with a lot of this energy are revitalized by the risk of things that are new or uncertain. Women by and large have more feminine energy, which is a slower “being” energy. It is more resistant to change, likes the status quo, and has a lower risk tolerance. In addition, feminine energy is more emotionally invested in its projects; that passion gets results, but it also means that it’s hard to let go of the work to which you have become attached. When change hits you in the face, it may help to turn to the Six Stilletto Steps.

First, practice awareness. By being vigilant you can pick up the signals that change is coming, and position yourself accordingly. It gets you out of denial and keeps you alert. Second, accept the change. Every day is different, so why fight change so much? Nothing stays the same. By simply saying, “It is what it is” you will start to look for solutions and be open to the lessons that you can learn from the situation.

Third, turn to others for support. Here is where a mentor can be of great value. Just as my protégé vented to me, a mentor can be a sounding board that allows you to safely blow off some steam at the injustice of it all. Be prepared though, for them to listen and then tell you to “suck it up” and move on in a positive manner. The fourth step is Self-Care. Change is stressful, which makes it even more important to take time to do all those things which restore your energy. When’s the last time you took a long walk in nature, a relaxing bath, or even a deep breath?

Change also builds resilience – look at the big picture and remember that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This is the fifth Stilletto Step of Self-Reliance. Take these steps and I promise you’ll be ready to celebrate your success – Step 6 – as it will surely come to you.

Are you ready to improve your flexibility?

Also keep an eye out for my upcoming E-Book "Love the Woman in the Mirror"

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