China's economy has surpassed Japan and many expect that the United States will be next. What does the future hold to have their growing economic influence on the world stage?
It sounds like an oxymoron to suggest that China could be a leader in developing feminine energy on the planet but that could be the case if the country's youth have their way.
China has long been a bastion of masculine energy. A nation where people "live to work." Their culture is predicated on individuals making as much money as they can, regardless of the sacrifice it takes to get ahead. It is a hub of external "doing" activity.
That's why I was intrigued by an article in the International Herald Tribune which suggests that the Chinese youth are shifting away from these traditions. They are interested in developing their "soft power" (which is synonymous with feminine energy).
The author of the article, Didi Kristen Tatlow, interviewed students from the post 80's generation in China to discuss their aspirations and what drives this new group of leaders.
She discovered the majority don't envy the wealth of individual American citizens. They say they can easily get "iPhones" and other gadgets, so accumulating material things is not a motivating factor.
What they are looking for is a better value system. They want a life with quality and meaning - a life which maintains the importance of home, family and cultural roots. They want something more than the single - focus on work that drove their parents.
This search for "moral meaning" is at the heart of feminine energy. It "works to live" and is all about being, rather than doing.
The Chinese youth are unexpected leaders in this quest. But when the offspring of those who lived through three decades of communism followed by three decades of an aggressive economic growth curve seek to balance their value-system, we should take inspiration from their leadership. Do you think that we will?
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Step 3: Self-Assurance
February 03, 2011
January 18, 2011
Lessons Learned Crossing the Street
There are many lessons to be learned from crossing the street - especially in Viet Nam, which is home to 20 million motorbikes. I swear, at any point in time, the majority of them are roaring about!
We experienced it first in the city of Saigon where there are eight million people and five and one half million motorbikes. Every street is teeming with them - some transporting entire families, others loaded with agricultural or building supplies. One poor driver even struggled to balance a huge water tank on the back of his seat.
Most of the drivers are wearing masks as a defense against the fumes. It makes them look like a stampede of some strange and unpredictable animal as you stand assessing your options on the corner.
Prior to my trip, many people warned me about the frenetic activity and craziness of the traffic. One friend even likened crossing the street to assisted suicide. It's not unheard of for an inexperienced tourist to spend 15 stressful minutes to get to the opposite curb.
But I learned that crossing the street in Viet Nam is a reflection of life. It's best to start by finding a calm place inside, regardless of the commotion around you. Then, just like life, you have to let go of fear, take a risk and step off the curb. If you are going to progress, you won't get there by standing still. New sights beckon, a few meters away, and getting there is part of the adventure!
Once you are in the midst of the motorized jungle, you have to focus on your goal. Now is not the time to hesitate or question your decision. You have to walk with confidence, with your eye on your destination, as you proceed forward. (Remember that this applies to life as well.)
The last thing that you learn is to trust. There is an ebb and flow to the city and this rhythm is part of the dance. If you take the lead, the drivers will follow. We each have a goal and, if we accommodate one another, we'll both get there. Once again, these lessons in crossing the street are important in life. Are you ready to start walking?
December 23, 2010
Celebrate with a Childlike Christmas
Do you have a favorite childhood memory of Christmas? Hang on to that story and the good feelings it generates for that in itself is a celebration, which can awaken the divine child inside of you.
In her book "The Four Fold Way," Angeles Arrien suggests that we ask ourselves, "How do I use the healing salves of singing, dancing and story telling?" She believes that, in modern society, we are estranged from our mythical roots. And, she says that one way to reconnect is to pay attention to what gives us heart and meaning.
I believe that there is no better time to do that than at Christmas. Remember your favorite stories, sing your most heart-warming Christmas carols, and dance around the room to "Jingle Bells." Each of these activities will re-acquaint you with the fun of living like children, when everyday was a celebration.
In our busy lives it is easy to forget what we once enjoyed. We routinely ignore good jokes, missing the opportunity to laugh. We have forgotten how to play. But remembering how to dance, sing and tell stories is healing.
My favorite Christmas memory took place at my Grandmother's house. All her children and their families had traveled a good distance to share the holidays with her. She met us with open arms, lots of good baking, and brightly colored, hand-crocheted afghans that she had made. This demonstration of love was a potent healing tonic.
Grandma wasn't a saint. She swore when she lost at cards and insisted that each of us agree with her politics. Nonetheless, we knew that she recognized her grandchildren as individuals and that was validating.
Arrien might call my Grandmother a modern day medicine woman because she guided each of us to experience the qualities of wonder, hope and awe.
The healing salves she extended allowed us to pay attention to our life story and I cling to that today, as I reminisce about my favorite Christmas memory. It awakens feelings of childlike joy and holiday anticipation from within me. Do you have a special Christmas memory to share?
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November 30, 2010
Learning to Say "No"
Do you have a difficult time saying "no" to family and friends? If so, it could be that you are motivated by a genuine desire to help them but it could also be that you are acting out of fear.
Think of someone to whom you have trouble saying no. Then think of an instance where you said "yes" when you really meant "no." Of what were you afraid? Upon closer examination, you'll likely see that you were acting in response to more than one fear.
Let me share a personal example - I have trouble saying no to my husband. He recently went to Arizona and left me at home, recovering from a detached retina. When he asked if it was OK for him to go, I didn't say "no" and my "yes" wasn't authentic. What did I fear in responding that way?
The list is long (and irrational, but that is how fear works right?). I feared that if I said "no" to my husband: his feelings would be hurt, he would be disappointed, he would think I wasn't evolved, he wouldn't want to spend time with me, he would think I am a poor sport, he would withhold affection, and I would lose his love.
After feeling resentful for the entire time that he was gone, I now realize that if I had said "no" to him, I would have said "yes" to myself. He didn't abandon me - it was me who abandoned me! The irony is that, in trying to avoid negative feelings between us, I created them.
So how can I free myself from this "fear of the consequences" downward cycle? Here's two things I learned:
1) There is no difference between "yes" and "no." Everything that I fear happening if I say "no" could just as easily happen if I say "yes" (as I just proved).
2) Saying "yes" when I mean "no" robs me of my peace. And when I am not at peace, I can't help others - all I do is give them my stress and anxiety.
If I want to live authentically, it means saying "no" when I mean "no." It may disappoint others in the short-term but, over the long-term, I will build courage. That's the benefit of facing one's fears! I'm ready - are you?
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November 25, 2010
Making Peace with Your Body
In order to approach weight loss in a peaceful and healthy way, it's important to first make peace with yourself. It starts with accepting your body - even at your heaviest - so your efforts are grounded in love rather than hostility.
This can be difficult when facing a world obsessed with appearances. Portrayals of the ideal body size from the media or snide remarks from the opposite sex can lead to self-hatred for an overweight woman.
When the outside world tells us that our body is "wrong" and needs to be "fixed," it takes considerable effort to exercise the second Stilletto Step of Self-Acceptance, but it is the key to successful and sustained weight loss.
The best way to improve your relationship with your body is to treat it as someone who has toiled selflessly and unconditionally for you without recognition. Here are three techniques that work for me:
1) Kiss yourself - A friend recommended this, saying that it is a "really cool" experience and I agree. She says to separate yourself from your body and to ask it what it needs. Then send it love. Finally, kiss yourself on your hands and arms, telling your body how much you love it.
2) Write your body a letter - Start by standing in front of the mirror observing your body naked, until all feelings of discomfort are gone. Then get dressed and write it a letter. When I did this, I thanked my body for being there for me even though I neglected it, ignored its signals and pushed it too hard. By the time I had written the letter, my heart was filled with gratitude for my body, despite its many imperfections.
3) Recite positive affirmations to your body - Telling your body that you see it with joy and love it just as it is, sends a positive message to your sub-conscious to which your body will naturally respond. I even sing these affirmations aloud.
No matter what your size, if you want a happy partnership with your body you must treat it as any other important relationship in your life. Making peace with it starts with acceptance. How do these techniques work for you?
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September 23, 2010
Give Approval to Get Approval
It's a fascinating book, which delves into people in the life of Jesus and the emotional lessons they learned from him. The book is not about Christianity and it doesn't preach religion. It's about the experiences and growth ordinary people had 2000 years ago and it's easy to identify with them today.
My father grew up in a strict German household. His mother made soap, grew big gardens and worked in the fields to be sure her children were well provided for. She also wanted to be sure they weren't proud or boastful so she constantly pointed out their faults. Every accomplishment was compared to someone who had done better. As you can imagine her children were humble to a fault - never feeling that they quite measured up.
Grandma was doing what she thought was best and was probably just as anxious for approval as my father. Of course, this chain reaction ultimately led me to be an approval seeker as well. Luckily, today's modern conveniences free me from the kitchen and the field, which provides the luxury to process these issues instead.
My father would be embarrassed to be compared to the apostle Mark, but I can see the similarities. Mark, a traveling man, left the country and went to the city. Once there, he found his lack of sophistication and naiveté ridiculed by the locals. Craving respect, he tried to improve his position by judging others. Eventually he realized that he had to accept others to be get acceptance himself.
And that lesson is my lesson. When I want someone else to give me approval so I will feel better about myself, I spend too much time in the outside world and not enough time within. With awareness I can get to the point that what others say is irrelevant and that's where I find a peaceful heart. To get approval, I need to give approval, especially to myself. Could you benefit from this lesson too?
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August 31, 2010
Individual Versus Team
I retired as a PotashCorp executive a few years ago because I wanted the freedom to travel, to keep learning and to take care of myself. In a nutshell, I wanted to express my authenticity and to grow as an individual. Going solo seemed the best way to do that.
However, now the company where I used to work is in jeopardy of a hostile take-over. It makes me feel like rushing in to help. (After 26 years at the company I can't shake the habit of calling it "we" or "us".) It was energizing to work together to meet corporate goals and I miss collaborating with other members of the team.
Sometimes working alone can be very lonely. You can feel isolated without the adrenaline that comes from sharing and synergistic connections. I like being able to bounce my ideas off of others and I miss their encouragement and support.
That's the upside of working on a team. The downside is that you are prone to make too many personal sacrifices in order to make team goals. It can get even worse if you feel forced to support the leader's value-system and you don't adhere to it. The excessive conformity can be stifling and result in neglect of self, something I know only too well having gained and lost 100 pounds twice while working in that environment.
The common direction of the group and the freedom of individual expression are polar opposites to be managed, rather than a problem to be solved, according to Johnson. Rather than being "Either/Or," we need to adopt an attitude of "And." Individuality and the team can both be positive but each can become negative if it isn't balanced by its opposite.
To maximize the upside of each pole and minimize the downside we need to acknowledge both their strengths and weaknesses and be aware if we are spending too much time in either camp. Then we need to weave between the two giving each the space to grow. Can you see a place in your life where you could put this in to practice?
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August 03, 2010
Avoid the Craziness- Follow Your Inner Voice
I read this first in a book called "The Anatomy of Peace" by the Arbinger Institute. The book said that every time we don't do what our inner voice suggests we will justify our actions and try to make the other party wrong. For example, after I didn't stop for gas I'd say, "My husband will have left the kitchen dirty and I'll have to clean it up, so why should I get gas for him?"
Then I'd probably carry it further and say, "I always have to do everything while he just plays golf and goes to the track." I'd work my way into a snit and arrive home angry at him. Meanwhile, he is blissfully carrying on with his life, unsuspecting that he is being portrayed as a villain in my mind. He hasn't done anything wrong - I'm the one who didn't stop for gas and now I'm making it his fault!
I read this same concept again last week in a book by Byron Katie called "Loving What Is." In it she says that when you become a lover of "what is" there are no more decisions to make. You'll just peacefully follow your inner voice doing the tasks in front of you, one at a time. Nothing else is required.
Our inner voice guides us to do simple things such as brush our teeth, drive to work or do the dishes, she says. When we fight this inner voice, an internal war breaks out saying, "My roommate should have done the dishes. It’s not my turn. It’s not fair." These thoughts lead to mental combat fatigue. We end up stressed and weary.
The message in both books is that we know what will make us happy deep down. When we are open to what our inner voice tells us we can live in true peace. But when we deviate from that, the thoughts that come can make us crazy. So let's start by following our inner voice and do those simple things everyday. Make sense to you?
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July 29, 2010
What's the Best Revenge?
I recently saw "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," which made me focus on the best way to get revenge.
In the film, a young woman has an unscrupulous guardian who does some despicable things to her. It was hard to watch, but she is cunning and clever and pays him back royally. I thoroughly enjoyed her administration of the perfect revenge.
I've always known that I have a penchant for justice but I had no idea how much until now. At the conclusion of the movie, I laid in bed and went over those revenge scenes in my head and each time felt pleasure and satisfaction.
It’s tempting to get "on a high, white horse" and feel righteous indignation but in doing so we aren't really making progress for ourselves or the planet. After all, how can we expect to create peace in the world if we can't find it for ourselves with others?
My friend recommended the following two things:
1) Have Empathy for the Attacker. Remember that he is confused, has probably been hurt himself, and is great pain.
2) Quit Making him Wrong. Let go of the labels that he is good or bad, right or wrong, and simply accept what is.
"If you can do these two things there will be no more need for revenge," she said. "Each person we view as an attacker in our lives is meant to be a teacher, who will leave us wiser."
Long ago my Mother told me that the best revenge is to live well yourself. It follows the old adage "live and let live." I'd like to be there and I'm working on it. Any other advice for me?
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April 22, 2010
Your Advice, Please…
I posted a
discussion on a LinkedIn group the other day, and one of the guys responded as
follows:
My Stilletto Chick name definitely evokes a strong response. The same day he posted this I had an email from a woman who loved it, finding it feminine and fun. She was as positive as he was negative. The name was chosen because Stillettos represents the perfect blend of energies – the feminine stilletto heel, the ultimate expression of feminine energy, evolved from the stilletto dagger, the ultimate expression of masculine energy. By identifying your energy sources and developing your opposite, you can find balance and connect with the Effortless Energy of the universe. Each step is a precarious balancing act between the two energies, but if you can find your balance, you will reap the benefits.
As a result, the Six Stilletto Steps are carefully balanced
between the outer, action-oriented masculine energy and the inner, reflective
feminine energy. It is all about taking action, but it requires that action
flow from the feminine preference for deliberation. In fact, even each
individual step has masculine and feminine aspects. Step 1, for instance,
requires awareness of both internal and external signals. Feminine energy stops
and measures what gives you energy, while masculine energy monitors what is
happening in the outside world. The awareness of both will help you on your
journey as you determine what feels right on the path you are being guided to
follow.
Step 2 asks you to internally accept your discoveries – the feminine act of compassion – but also recommends you stand up and dare to be different – the courage and independence of masculine energy. By Step 3 you know who you are inside (feminine energy) but masculine energy finds external validation for that internal compass. In Step 4 we find Self-Care tools to restore our energy. Just as each of us are individuals, so will our tools be different. The tools are things we do in the outside world (reflecting the masculine energy of action) but they are designed to re-connect us to our energy source (the feminine energy of the internal).
While Step 5 is focused on action, your successes in the outside world build your internal fortitude and self-esteem. And the celebration of Step 6 combines traditional celebrations and internal reflection. The masculine energy celebrates in the outside world, but it comes with the sense of purpose provided by the feminine.
My observations of the energy of the genders led me to realize that both energies have something positive to contribute, and we get our best results when we use both energies and allow them to balance and temper one another. I’d like to see all men develop their feminine energy, just as I’d like to see all women develop their masculine energy; that way all individuals can use each energy as the situation demands. So now for the big question: do you think the Stilletto Chick moniker gets that message across, or is it an impediment?
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