Betty-Ann Heggie's Reflections on Gender Physics

The 5 W's of Networking Plus “How”

We all need a community - people we can call on when things get tough and we need a hand. A network is nothing more than friends helping friends. Here’s the 5 W’s to making that happen. 

1. Who: You can learn from anyone so be curious with everyone you meet, from taxi cab drivers to restaurant proprietors. Each may have a contact to help you reach your goals. And, if they don’t, you may be surprised to find that there is someone in their network who does! 
2. What: Form relationships which aren't all about you, but rather are all about "us." Send others articles of interest, introduce them to your friends, comment on their Facebook page, and give them glowing recommendations. If you work for them, it will come back to you.  
3. When: Begin at birth or, at the very least, start today. Always form a network before you need it. Don't wait until you are out of work or trying to raise money for an important project or idea. It’s the old adage, "build it and they will come."  
4. Where: You can network at the office, at a club or acting as a volunteer. It doesn't matter if you collect miniatures or curl, if you follow your passion, you'll meet others who are doing what you love to do. Creating a bond with them will happen very naturally.
5. Why: Business happens between people who know each other, like each other and trust each other. People who are part of my community have recommended excellent suppliers, put my name forward for bookings for and supported my causes, amongst many other things. I’ve certainly accomplished more in life with them than I would have done without them.
6. How: Get to know others authentically, on a soul-level. That means getting past stereo-types and generalizations. It means revealing a weakness so others believe you are human and sharing what you like to do for fun so they will know that you are more than your job. It is easier to network if you relax and be yourself! 

Even if the sky looks dark and full of clouds, having a network means that you’ll have people you can call on. And, like the song says, “Ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?” 

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Work for Your Network so People Don't Feel Worked

To be a good networker, it's important to build relationships properly so people don't feel that they are being worked. You do that by working for your network.

There is nothing worse than feeling that others have an agenda when they interact with you. Any warm feelings quickly dissipate while irritation grows.
  
This became clear to me on a recent vacation. We were at a beautiful resort in Thailand where the hotel has introduced a program to sell vacation timeshare weeks. On our first night there, my husband and I sat at the pool bar to have a drink and watch the sunset.

A lovely young local woman joined us and struck up a conversation. At first we were flattered by her warm hospitality as she welcomed us to the hotel but it was soon evident that she wasn't interested in getting to know us - she wanted to sell us a vacation week. Once we found out that she had an agenda, we dropped the conversation. It was disappointing and we felt used.

There was a lesson in this experience though: never underestimate the value of establishing a good foundation to a relationship before you advance your cause. It's an important and integral part of building an effective network.

Relationships are like bank accounts - the deposit has to be made and allowed to grow before you can make a withdrawal and still have something left. 

In this world, we do business with those we know and like. Whether it is making a purchase, finding a different job or asking for a donation, we turn to those in our networks. And, people only want to help if they feel that you are genuine.

They need to feel like you are more interested in them than yourself. They will believe it if you help make them successful before you ask for something. Remember their birthday, send them articles of their interest, introduce them to others, or give them glowing recommendations. Laugh at their jokes and call them by name.

Ultimately, your network will work for you, just as long as you have worked for those in it. You don't want others to feel like they are being worked. Does this work for you?  

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Connect Emotionally for Effective Networking

If you want to be remembered, connect emotionally with those you meet - you'll find it's the basis of successful networking.

I've been thinking about this as I have just returned from a trip to Southeast Asia. We visited 10 different destinations over a three-week period and in each location we had a different guide. Each one did a superb job.

They knew their facts, efficiently scheduled activities, were unfailingly polite, and open to program changes as we went along. While we enjoyed our time with every guide, there were some we simply connected with more than others.

What makes us remember one, while others fade into oblivion? And, why do we take the time to enter the contact information of specific individuals in our address book with the full intention that we will keep in touch?

The answer is simple: it’s those with whom we made an emotional connection. And how did that happen? The guides who shared personal stories with us - who told how their families reacted to significant events, either with pain and suffering or happiness and elation - they are the ones that we remember. They are the ones with whom we want to stay connected.

The best guides brought their history and culture alive through personal antecedes, expressed with feelings. The more emotion they expressed, the more we empathized. The more we empathized, the deeper the relationship we developed. Nothing felt staged - it made it real for us.

It is the same with you and networking. We are taught that our business and personal lives should be separate but when we share stories of our families and discuss our feelings, we are more human and people relate. Everyone has a family - it’s a place to find common ground.

I used to work in sales in a corporate job and many years later, the people that make an effort to stay in my life are those where we got to know one another personally. We bonded through our families, by being sincere, by being vulnerable, and by revealing who we really are. That's what effective networking is all about. Can you feel the importance of connecting through emotions?

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Be Really Present to Make Real Connections

Successful networking comes not just from meeting people but from truly connecting with them. And, that is best accomplished from being in the present moment. 

In his book, "Never Eat Alone," Keith Ferrazzi says successful networkers don't just meet people, they make friends. He cites Bill Clinton's "unique ability to create an almost instantaneous intimacy with whomever he's talking to" as an example.

Clinton, he says, "doesn't just recall your personal information; he uses the information as a means to affirm a bond with you." He also quotes a former political colleague who said that Clinton "hugs you, not only physically, but with a whole attitude." 

I don't know Bill Clinton personally, but I can tell from these descriptions that he is a man who is dedicated to meeting people in the present moment.

When you focus on the "now" you really listen, enabling you to feel what others are feeling and be empathetic. That sharing of emotions is how you bond.

When you stand talking to someone and your mind is somewhere else, people will sense that your energy isn't with them and their energy dissipates as well. There is no electricity and the opportunity for the energy circuit between you is lost.

Bonds are created when others believe that you care for them as much as you care for yourself. That is Clinton's talent and we can learn from him.

Start by completely focusing on the individuals that you meet. Pay attention to the detail of their expression and their tone of voice. Soak it in without judgment and with appreciation for your time together. Take a deep breath and hug them with all your senses. They will feel it and so will you.

In fact, you're sure to be remembered because you didn't just meet someone, you made a real connection. You did it by being really present.

Being in the present feels good, connecting feels good and successful networking feels good. Who doesn't want all that?

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Reach Out to Take Care of Yourself

Feminine energy is very "other" oriented but, if women want to get ahead, they must break that pattern. To take care of themselves they need to reach out and network in a strategic manner.

It's all part of balancing their natural energy with a healthy dose of masculine energy and developing good Gender Physics.

Masculine energy starts by establishing a goal. Goals are how we grow. They mean you are taking a risk but that's how you succeed. Feminine energy is very risk averse so it's not a surprise that women don't set more goals. Just by setting a goal you are developing your masculine energy.
 
Next, you need to identify who can help you reach your goal. Once you've determined the individuals who are on that list, you need to decide how often you will reach out and connect with them.

However, in my experience, women are better at doing this for others than for themselves. For example, when I was doing investor relations at PotashCorp, I established a list of our company's major shareholders (those who owned 100,000 shares or more).

Then I set a target of visiting each of these shareholders personally, in their office, once per year. It was an aggressive action-plan that kept us constantly on the road, but it helped us stay in touch with those we depended upon for capital. We wanted to grow our company so their support was integral to us reaching our goal.  

Notice how easy it was for me to set aggressive goals for my company? (It's an example of being very "other oriented.").

What is interesting is that I no longer work at PotashCorp and now have established my own speaking business. Have I established a goal? A list of those who can help me? Have I set targets as to how often to reach out and connect with them? Unfortunately, not. I know better but I don't do for myself exactly what made me successful at PotashCorp. 

If you're like me, there is hope. We can both establish a goal, determine who can help us reach our goal, and decide how often we'll connect with them.

Most importantly, if we pretend that we are doing this for a client rather than for ourselves, we'll make it a priority. It's a way to "trick" ourselves into doing it.

Reaching out and strategically developing a network is key to meeting your goals and taking care of yourself. Are you ready to balance your "other" with yourself? 

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Networking Online Pays Dividends in Real Life

Networking is helping and being helped, either online or in real life. And, it can pay dividends if you know your goal and spend a little time getting prepared. I find there is no better place than online to get help in preparing to meet my real life goals.

Let me tell you my story...My husband and I are just home from staying at a beautiful resort in Punta Mita, Mexico. Nice as it was, it felt like we were living in a bubble. We wanted to get out and explore.

I expressed that exact sentiment on Twitter. Within minutes, I had a response directing me to a local tourism website. See how I reached out and someone offered to help?

Of course, I helped them as well, by going to their recommended website but it was a great quid pro quo. There I read all about the local attractions and chose a restaurant. Then I did some further research, reviewing travel websites and reading the restaurant reviews of other tourists.

One reviewer told me the name of the restaurant proprietor was Hector. Another said that he came from a line of restaurant owners and still another raved about the fishing boat Hector lined up for him. One of our goals was to get out on the ocean and go fishing. With this information, I was prepared and ready to go networking.

Upon arriving at the restaurant, I asked for Hector. When he came by I told him I had read with interest about his family history in the food business. He was flattered and pulled up a chair to our table to tell us more. First thing we knew he was lining us up with a fishing boat and we were paying local prices, not those designated for tourists!
 
Whether it is real life or online, networking can pay dividends. It is all about getting help and giving help. But underneath it all, you have to know your networking goal. If you prepare for it, you'll surely reach it - just like me and Hector! What goals do you have that can be reached through networking?

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5 Tips for Those Who Talk Too Much

Do you have someone in your life who talks too much? Do you happily sit and listen, considering it easy entertainment, or is it an irritant? Your answer can be personally enlightening, if you are open to it. 

There are two people in my life who have come to bug me and they both talk incessantly. When we have a conversation, I feel invisible because it is always so one-sided. Neither are good listeners and both are adamant about having the last word, no matter what the topic. What irritates me the most is that each will exaggerate to victoriously register the final point.   

What I have come to realize is that they bug me because I see all the characteristics that I don't like about myself in them. Let me explain: Silence is tough for me - I love to express myself and talking is a great release. I also pride myself in being persuasive so, of course, I want the last word - it's my measure of success. My husband says the reason that I tell such a good story is that I am given to hyperbole.

So you see, there is really no difference between me and the two individuals who irritate me. They are my mirror and I am projecting my thoughts about myself onto them. Any advice I would like to give them, I would be wise to take myself. Here's the 5 tips that I'd offer:

1. Build self-esteem: There is no need to embellish - we are good enough the way we are (and so are the facts of our story).
2. Relax: There is no need to fill the gaps in conversation. Let it move fluidly. Silence is charismatic and so is talking with our eyes. 
3. Have confidence: If we are thinking it someone else is as well. Neither of us have to say it and the message will be delivered. It's only our egos that want the credit.
4. Be a witness: Listen without planning what to say next, without editorializing and without judgment. We can really "feel" the conversation this way and the communication will be even richer.   
5. Be unattached to outcomes: There is no need to control with talk - trust that the conversation will unfold.

The talkers in my life are there to teach me about myself and I realize there's lots to learn. Is there anybody who bugs you?   

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If You Are Just Going Through the Motions, Take Off the Mask!

If you wake up every day and find that you are just "going through the motions," try following Michael Buble's example.

I thought about this when attending one of his concerts recently. He clearly loves what he is doing, sliding across the stage and boyishly interacting with individuals in the audience.

There is no "rote" repetition but rather a performer full of enthusiasm, exercising an uninhibited ability "to be who he is." He demonstrates the benefits of operating from "Effortless Energy" and we can all get there if we drop the masks, get in touch with our authentic selves, and live from that truth everyday.

When spending time with Byron Katie, I learned three things which have really helped me to get out of the facade and in touch with my authentic self. By using them and adapting them, I've found more meaning and pleasure when conducting my daily tasks and I encourage you to do the same:
 
1) Speak openly and honestly about who you really are. Allow answers to come to you and really feel them with no pressure or preconceived ideas about what might be more acceptable to the outside world. You'll be surprised how others agree, relate or have been there themselves.

2) Express your truth. That includes having the integrity to say "no." Each time you say "yes" when you mean "no," you come out of your authentic self and deplete your energy. Be clear about saying "no" so there is no confusion as to your position or intent. Katie says that a "no" to others is a "yes" to yourself and, ultimately, to the other person. 

3) Stay out of judgment. I have always known that, as soon as I judge others, it takes me out of a happy state of being. That's because it is all a projection. Whatever we think of others is really what we think of ourselves. When we judge, we get out of the flow and block our "Effortless Energy." 
     
Each of us has a unique gift...something we were put on earth to do. It may not be a large concert performer like Michael Buble but, when we are in that flow, we have more vitality. Our authenticity provides "Effortless Energy" and it's there to be had, if we are open to it. Are you going through the motions when you could take off the mask and feel more alive?

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I'm Sorry, I Banter

My daughter just came from a vacation in Ibiza, an island off the coast of Spain, well-known as a party spot. She entertained us with stories of her escapades, especially the one about the guy from New York who unknowingly made out with a beautiful transvestite. His buddies, who were wiser, watched it happen and then teased him relentlessly for the rest of the trip.

This banter is typical of how men communicate with each other. It starts in the school yard where they banter to fit in. Being allowed to participate in the banter means you’re in. You’re okay. You belong. An outsider’s bantering and jokes will never seem quite as funny or witty to the members of the group.

Women don’t banter like that. To get a sense of belonging they share information and open up to members of the group. Women are programmed to build relationships and one of the ways that they do that is saying “sorry.”
Ritual apologies are a method of cementing goodwill, according to psychologists. Dr. Susan Gaddis, who hosts a personal communications website, says it’s the feminine nurturing instinct and our desire to make everyone happy all the time that make us keep saying we’re sorry. Sometimes we do it to settle situation, or gain acceptance - a woman on her way up the ladder in the workplace may apologize to make people feel comfortable and find a way to fit in. There are lots of studies to show just how sorry we are. Women are way more likely to apologize - sometimes even when we haven’t done anything wrong.You knock on a male colleague’s door. “Hello. I am sorry. You look busy. I can come back later if I am bothering you.” Oh how sorry is that woman??A man knocks on a female colleague’s door.  “Hey, I want to show you something.” An apology was never a consideration.

Men find apologies distancing but we women are a sorry bunch. Consider how often you say, “I’m sorry” because when you apologize it appears that you are admitting fault, which immediately gives men an upper hand.  John Gray, in his book “Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus,” says that men want to be admired and women want to be adored. In my estimation admiration comes from winning (hence the banter) and adoration comes from connecting (hence the apology).

We’d all be better off balancing our energy and women can start by reducing the number of unnecessary apologies that they give and participating in some banter. Are you up for that?

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Are Stereotypes Hurting You?

There are lots of stereotypes that hurt women, but ignoring us as we put forward ideas and justifying those actions by saying that we talk too much tops the list.

A couple of weeks ago, I spoke at a conference of Canadian Women Engineers. When women who work in male-dominated professions get together, the topic of making comments in meetings inevitably comes up. Everyone reports being passed over while the same comment made by a man a few minutes later is met with great nods of approval.

I addressed this in a past newsletter but one of the other conference speakers, Lydia Surasky Matte, had a particularly intriguing idea. Under such circumstances she would say, "Would a man please say the following..." It humorously made her point to all involved.       

Stereotyping women as being overly talkative gives people an unfair excuse to dismiss them. However, research doesn't support the allegation. In fact, one study showed that people supported men, but looked away from women making the same suggestions and using the same words. Women continue to face an uphill battle to be "seen and heard" around the decision-making table.   

I've thought about this problem a lot but the solution always seems to come back to the same three things: women need to establish a mentor, a network and support other women.

We can test our ideas on mentors and individuals in our networks informally and then call upon them for support in meetings. And, we need to keep recounting the stories of the contributions made by women. There will be lots who put us down by attaching negative stereotypes - our job is to keep the recognition of our positive attributes alive. Can you use your voice to contribute to this?

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