Betty-Ann Heggie's Reflections on Gender Physics

Reach Out to Take Care of Yourself

Feminine energy is very "other" oriented but, if women want to get ahead, they must break that pattern. To take care of themselves they need to reach out and network in a strategic manner.

It's all part of balancing their natural energy with a healthy dose of masculine energy and developing good Gender Physics.

Masculine energy starts by establishing a goal. Goals are how we grow. They mean you are taking a risk but that's how you succeed. Feminine energy is very risk averse so it's not a surprise that women don't set more goals. Just by setting a goal you are developing your masculine energy.
 
Next, you need to identify who can help you reach your goal. Once you've determined the individuals who are on that list, you need to decide how often you will reach out and connect with them.

However, in my experience, women are better at doing this for others than for themselves. For example, when I was doing investor relations at PotashCorp, I established a list of our company's major shareholders (those who owned 100,000 shares or more).

Then I set a target of visiting each of these shareholders personally, in their office, once per year. It was an aggressive action-plan that kept us constantly on the road, but it helped us stay in touch with those we depended upon for capital. We wanted to grow our company so their support was integral to us reaching our goal.  

Notice how easy it was for me to set aggressive goals for my company? (It's an example of being very "other oriented.").

What is interesting is that I no longer work at PotashCorp and now have established my own speaking business. Have I established a goal? A list of those who can help me? Have I set targets as to how often to reach out and connect with them? Unfortunately, not. I know better but I don't do for myself exactly what made me successful at PotashCorp. 

If you're like me, there is hope. We can both establish a goal, determine who can help us reach our goal, and decide how often we'll connect with them.

Most importantly, if we pretend that we are doing this for a client rather than for ourselves, we'll make it a priority. It's a way to "trick" ourselves into doing it.

Reaching out and strategically developing a network is key to meeting your goals and taking care of yourself. Are you ready to balance your "other" with yourself? 

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Women's Contributions Forgotten

Women's contributions are forgotten when history is written. I thought about this while traveling in Viet Nam and taking in some of the war museums (whether you call it the Viet Nam war or the American war depends on your perspective, I learned).

While there, I watched a propaganda film produced by the Viet Cong in 1967 to encourage people to support their cause and fight the Americans. In the film, women were portrayed as bravely sabotaging the enemy by day while happily working the fields at night. It put new meaning to the phrase "a woman's work is never done."   

Apparently the films did its job, as women signed up in droves and were highly effective Viet Cong guerrilla fighters. Unfortunately, after being an integral part of war, they weren't decorated at its conclusion and the government posts in the new communist administration went almost exclusively to the men.

Stieg Larrsen, author of the wildly successful "Millennium" trilogy, expresses the same sentiment in the preface of "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest." He says some six hundred women fought in the American civil war dressed up as men and wonders why this significant piece of history has been overlooked.

"Historians have often struggled to deal with women who do not respect gender distinctions, and no where is that distinction more sharply drawn than in the question of armed combat," he says.

When war is waged, women have not been shy to play their part as common soldiers alongside men. During the conflict, the "powers that be" welcome their help but are reluctant to acknowledge their contribution once success is reached.

It's not a surprise that women support the cause as feminine energy is strongly motivated by its value system. It's also not a surprise that women don't seek individual recognition, as feminine energy is dedicated to the collective.

There is an opportunity here to tell our stories and recognize our significance - especially those of our gender who act outside of accepted norms. In doing so, each of us can ensure that women's contributions are not forgotten. Shall we start?

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Does Giving Women Special Treatment Create Progress?

Do women need special treatment to progress or should we hang in and "duke it out" in the men's system?

I've been thinking about this since reading that the sports network, ESPN, is introducing an online version of its sports programming, targeted at women. 

The announcement of this female sports brand is causing controversy amongst women athletes and sports fans, many of whom believe that it is condescending. Some say that they have worked hard to keep up with the boys and they now feel like they are being placed in a pink ghetto.

However, others think it's the only way that women will get the media attention that they deserve. Currently, mainstream broadcast networks give women athletes very little air time. In fact, a study from the University of Southern California found that just 1.4 percent of sports programming is devoted to women.

Women are different than men. For example, the ESPN research shows that women are more interested in storytelling (as is typical of feminine energy) so they intend to feature the personal journeys of athletes.  

Because we're different, we try hard to fit in and "be one of them," which seldom works. We usually end up as "also rans" as is reflected in the low percentage of women CEO's. This is mirrored in the limited media coverage allotted to women athletes. It's a patriarchal system designed by men, for men, where women are not considered equal.

Unable to make progress within the existing system, we'll have to step outside and create a special framework of our own. The black leader, Malcolm X, learned this lesson. It was only when blacks established alternatives to the existing system that they were recognized as providing value.    

By challenging the status quo, they created their own identity, making it easier to integrate and be accepted into the regular system. This is exactly what I predict for ESPN-W. Once the female-friendly network is established and running successfully, the regular station will pick up more sports coverage of women's sports. 

Special treatment for women really can create progress. Men will recognize us if we recognize ourselves. Do you agree?

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Adapt for Understanding

If you've got something to say, it's important that your message is understood. Sharing a common language isn't enough. Your delivery style will be interpreted differently, depending on the energy and culture of the recipient, so be aware and adapt.  

I worked for four different CEOs at PotashCorp. Each had a different energy, which affected the culture of the organization under their watch. I learned that I had to modify my communication style to find acceptance for my ideas.

The first liked to party and "be one of the boys." To gain respect and be heard, I had to be entertaining. By using slang and banter, I could playfully put down the guys and raise my position.

This communication method was effective with him but I quickly learned that if I did it in the presence of his wife or executive secretary, they relished putting me in my place. That didn't happen to the guys, just to me. Thus, this game of snakes and ladders required careful calculation.       

The second CEO wanted the company to be one big happy family. He sought equilibrium and never flexed his muscles (even with the competition, unfortunately). Everyone was expected to temper differences and fit in. To get his approval, my ideas couldn't be presented as special. Rather, I had to come with the endorsement from the other management to convince him. It was all about the collective. 

The third was a southerner, coming from a culture which is very indirect in nature. He would never give explicit orders but rather would make a statement -  my job was to interpret his desires and make them a reality. If I openly asked, I was viewed as brash and abrasive so I tried to follow the hints and clues. And, I had to present my ideas accordingly, in a tone-downed manner so as not to put him off.

The fourth had an overabundance of masculine energy. He was action-oriented to a fault. Every discussion was viewed as an invitation to make a decision, which he did with lightening speed. I called him "quick draw" and learned never to approach him unless I knew the direction I wanted to go beforehand. To get my proposals passed, I had to be fast, without much preamble - he got bored quickly.

Four CEOs with four different energies caused me to use four unique styles to be understood. Once you are aware, you can adapt and modify. Are you ready to do what you need to do to get your message across?

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Is Culture Holding You Back?

As a woman, the culture of your home, your corporation or your country can hold you back. Do you unknowingly support that?

I'm just home from Morocco, which was a colony of France throughout the first half of the 20th century. Most locals speak French, making it a comfortable place for tourists from France to come and enjoy the sun. And lots do!

As I watched the French women around our hotel, I admired their style and wondered how they manage everything...A high percentage (82%) of them have careers. Along with that, they sport nice, slim, immaculately dressed bodies and each has at least a couple of children in tow. They seem so together.  

Yet, they face cultural problems. In the most recent report of the World Economic Forum, which ranks countries according to gender equality, France fell to 46th place, behind Kazakhstan and Jamaica. Women in that country hold only 18 percent of elected positions and are paid 26 percent less than men.

Some are saying that an outdated Latin patriarchal culture is to blame. Statistics show that French men spend less than half the time the women do maintaining the home and caring for the children.

Ms. Fraisse, a French philosopher was quoted in the International Herald Tribune as saying that the country needs another revolution. Two centuries ago the country got rid of the king as father of the nation and now it needs to get rid of the father as king of the family.     

Society needs to find ways to make marriage and motherhood compatible with women having careers, and that means having men more involved in the home and family.

Women can contribute to that cultural change by making it our objective to share parental duties. If we think that we are the only ones who can feed and clothe the kids, that's exactly what will happen to the detriment of all involved.
     
Changing culture begins with awareness for both ourselves and the men in our lives. Together we can work on our own little corner of the world. Are you ready to start?  

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Sexist Name-Calling Hurts Women

If a man wants to discount a woman's opinion in politics, he just has to call her sexist names new research has found. However, the research also demonstrates that for women to regain credibility, she can't ignore it; she has to take him to task.   

The study of voter attitudes conducted by Women's Media Center, the WCF Foundation and Political Parity, shows that referring to a female candidate in derogatory terms such as calling her a prostitute, harms her far more than criticism based on her policy decisions.

The usual advice given to women is to ignore the attack rather than drawing attention to it but the study results say that is wrong. A direct response from the female candidate will help restore her reputation at the expense of her opponent. 

The magnitude of negativity from the sexual slurs was surprising. For example, the female candidate lost twice as much support when mild sexist language was added to a political attack - voters saw her as that much less effective. But her support rebounded if she counter-attacked identifying the remark as "sexist, divisive rhetoric."     

What's the lesson? Voters clearly want women to stand up for themselves. It's like fighting the school yard bully - if you take the taunts, others will think it is justified and join in. Women who enter the world of politics would be wise to get comfortable using their masculine energy. It understands that a good defense is a strong offense.

It's unfortunate but slurs are a common way to attack minorities. Those who use them aim to "one up" others. It happens, not only in politics, but also in the workplace.

If you are a victim of sexual slurs, remember that you are not at fault. Don't wait to see if gets worse - call the attacker on his behavior. I say wear his incivility as a badge of honor. Every step forward for human rights came from a struggle. Consider this a conscious-raising activity. It's your job to speak up, not just for yourself, but for women everywhere. That makes it a worthwhile cause, doesn't it?

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Do Men and Women Speak Different Languages?

Communication differences between the genders can be a mine field at home and even more perilous at work. Before lining up to take sides, remember that there is no such thing as someone wholly male or absolutely female.

All of us are individuals that carry a mixture of gender energy, yet there is nothing that defines our identity so much as our sex. Thus, it's easy to have polarized views. If we are aware of our primary energy, accept and appreciate our opposite, we can have more successful interactions.

Men, who tend to carry more masculine energy, are more direct. They talk to give information or gather it to help reach their goals. Women, who tend to carry more feminine energy, talk to collect information. They want to understand, especially other people. Instead of being directive they will use collaborative phrases like, "Tell me more about that..."

Because masculine energy likes facts and competition, you'll generally find men doing the stats after reading "Sports Illustrated." Meanwhile, women who read "People" magazine are expressing their interest in what motivates others, feeling empathy for their situations.

However, either energy is a problem if it isn't balanced. A man who discounts others ideas, wanting them to acknowledge and follow his way, all the while telling them what they "should" think, is someone with an over abundance of masculine energy. And, a woman who lacks an opinion of her own, constantly seeking the reassurance of others and vacillating when it is time to make a decision, has an overabundance of feminine energy. 

We each need to develop our opposite so women dealing with men would be wise to focus their communication on solving problems rather than on thoughts or feelings (masculine energy loves action). Men dealing with women would be wise to slow things down, taking time to appreciate the big picture. If we did this, maybe we'd be speaking the same language.

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Does Your Man Ask for Directions?

Ask women to name the biggest foible of the opposite sex and they will answer that men will never stop for directions. In fact, my mother used to say that my father would drive through a brick wall before he would ask for help. Running out of gas while searching was preferable to admitting he was lost.

The behavior exhibited by my father is typical of men according to a study conducted by British insurer Sheila Wheels. After surveying over 1,000 drivers, it concluded that men, to a much greater degree than women, are reluctant to stop and ask for directions. In fact, the average male drives 276 miles while lost each year, which costs him about $3,000 in wasted fuel over a lifetime.

Why is this? Some say that it goes back to the cavemen on the savanna. Men had to follow their instincts to hunt - they never really knew where they were but they didn't feel lost either. And this has carried over to driving a car today. They depend on survival instinct to guide them (as it did their ancestors), even if they don't know where they are!

Wherever the origin, it is the basis of masculine energy, which is independent, self-sufficient and very concerned with the hierarchy. On average, men tend to have more masculine energy so most want to do things themselves and don't want anyone to get above them. They perceive that asking for help gives others an advantage and masculine energy wants to feel in control so it can't be lost!

My husband and I don't fit the norm. It drives him crazy that I never want to ask for directions, while he has no problem doing so. And now I have to acknowledge that, because I carry so much masculine energy, I waste time, energy and money refusing to seek help.

You can tell a lot about the energy of yourself and your man based on who will ask for directions. Those of us who have lots of masculine energy feel incompetent asking for directions, even if it takes us longer to get home. I'm working on this. Where do you stand?

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Do You Share Too Little? Or Too Much?

If you lack appropriate boundaries when it comes to sharing, you need to develop good "Gender Physics."

We all carry masculine and feminine energy but to different degrees and percentages. Our job is to focus on our opposite to balance both energies, just like a friend of mine is doing.

A few years ago we spent a great day river rafting. While we waited for a ride back to the hotel, we peeled oranges to share with our husbands. She broke her orange into two pieces, one large and one small. Then she gave the small piece to her husband.

He exclaimed, "That's not very nice. I'd have offered them both to you and allowed you to choose." Completely non-pulsed, she retorted, "I'd have picked the big piece, so either way you end up with the little one."

When my friend claimed what she wanted for herself, she was a woman exhibiting masculine energy. Her husband was exhibiting the feminine energy attribute of "looking out for the other" when he said he would allow her to pick which piece she wanted.

I tell this story to show that gender energy doesn't always align with our actual gender - men can exhibit feminine energy and women can exhibit masculine energy. It also demonstrates that gender energy is not our identity. It is simply a pattern that we can change.

Now, my girlfriend realizes that she carries a lot of masculine energy and has embarked on a plan to balance herself. Here's some of the things that she is doing:

1. She has asked us to call her by her more feminine given name rather than by her more masculine nickname. (There is an energy in a name, which changes our body's vibration each time it is said aloud.)
2. She has changed her method of daily exercise from competitive running and lifting in a gym to doing yoga. This connects her to her inner being, which invites the feminine forward.
3. She has started meditating to take time to "just be" everyday. This puts a halt to the raging masculine energy of action.

Each of us can follow her example and develop our opposite. When we do so, we'll be able to take care of ourselves while sharing with others. It's important because life is a balancing act. Have you noticed that?

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Are Men or Women More Talkative?

Women are natural communicators but a study at the University of California Santa Cruz found that men are more talkative - especially when they are conducting decision-making tasks.

This result could be due to socialization or because men tend to exhibit more masculine energy, which wants to take charge and move forward.

The study also showed that men and women use roughly the same number of words but men use up more time in conversation than women. Once again, masculine energy is employing a good technique to project its ideas and be sure they are heard. 

According to the study, men's style of speech is also more assertive. They use words to achieve dominance and goals as opposed to the affiliate speech used by women.

Affiliate speech is used to connect with others, which is typical of feminine energy. The women in the study only talked more when it was about their feelings or when working with children.  

Masculine energy is all about exerting independence and protecting what belongs to it. Feminine energy integrates and encourages others. It is better at drawing out information than pushing out its own ideas. Both energies have advantages when used at the appropriate time.

Interestingly, the study, which was conducted over 50 years, showed that gender communication differences are decreasing. I'd like to believe that we are all developing our opposite and finding good, balanced "Gender Physics." 

Because we live in a masculine energy world, both men and women would benefit from developing more of our feminine energy. When communicating, we could start by using fewer words and say things from our hearts with our eyes.

You have to really feel it first but it's a wonderful way for either gender to talk less and say more. What's that you say?

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