Betty-Ann Heggie's Reflections on Gender Physics

The 5 W's of Networking Plus “How”

We all need a community - people we can call on when things get tough and we need a hand. A network is nothing more than friends helping friends. Here’s the 5 W’s to making that happen. 

1. Who: You can learn from anyone so be curious with everyone you meet, from taxi cab drivers to restaurant proprietors. Each may have a contact to help you reach your goals. And, if they don’t, you may be surprised to find that there is someone in their network who does! 
2. What: Form relationships which aren't all about you, but rather are all about "us." Send others articles of interest, introduce them to your friends, comment on their Facebook page, and give them glowing recommendations. If you work for them, it will come back to you.  
3. When: Begin at birth or, at the very least, start today. Always form a network before you need it. Don't wait until you are out of work or trying to raise money for an important project or idea. It’s the old adage, "build it and they will come."  
4. Where: You can network at the office, at a club or acting as a volunteer. It doesn't matter if you collect miniatures or curl, if you follow your passion, you'll meet others who are doing what you love to do. Creating a bond with them will happen very naturally.
5. Why: Business happens between people who know each other, like each other and trust each other. People who are part of my community have recommended excellent suppliers, put my name forward for bookings for and supported my causes, amongst many other things. I’ve certainly accomplished more in life with them than I would have done without them.
6. How: Get to know others authentically, on a soul-level. That means getting past stereo-types and generalizations. It means revealing a weakness so others believe you are human and sharing what you like to do for fun so they will know that you are more than your job. It is easier to network if you relax and be yourself! 

Even if the sky looks dark and full of clouds, having a network means that you’ll have people you can call on. And, like the song says, “Ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?” 

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Work for Your Network so People Don't Feel Worked

To be a good networker, it's important to build relationships properly so people don't feel that they are being worked. You do that by working for your network.

There is nothing worse than feeling that others have an agenda when they interact with you. Any warm feelings quickly dissipate while irritation grows.
  
This became clear to me on a recent vacation. We were at a beautiful resort in Thailand where the hotel has introduced a program to sell vacation timeshare weeks. On our first night there, my husband and I sat at the pool bar to have a drink and watch the sunset.

A lovely young local woman joined us and struck up a conversation. At first we were flattered by her warm hospitality as she welcomed us to the hotel but it was soon evident that she wasn't interested in getting to know us - she wanted to sell us a vacation week. Once we found out that she had an agenda, we dropped the conversation. It was disappointing and we felt used.

There was a lesson in this experience though: never underestimate the value of establishing a good foundation to a relationship before you advance your cause. It's an important and integral part of building an effective network.

Relationships are like bank accounts - the deposit has to be made and allowed to grow before you can make a withdrawal and still have something left. 

In this world, we do business with those we know and like. Whether it is making a purchase, finding a different job or asking for a donation, we turn to those in our networks. And, people only want to help if they feel that you are genuine.

They need to feel like you are more interested in them than yourself. They will believe it if you help make them successful before you ask for something. Remember their birthday, send them articles of their interest, introduce them to others, or give them glowing recommendations. Laugh at their jokes and call them by name.

Ultimately, your network will work for you, just as long as you have worked for those in it. You don't want others to feel like they are being worked. Does this work for you?  

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Youth Leaders from China Desire Feminine Energy

China's economy has surpassed Japan and many expect that the United States will be next. What does the future hold to have their growing economic influence on the world stage?

It sounds like an oxymoron to suggest that China could be a leader in developing feminine energy on the planet but that could be the case if the country's youth have their way.    

China has long been a bastion of masculine energy. A nation where people "live to work." Their culture is predicated on individuals making as much money as they can, regardless of the sacrifice it takes to get ahead. It is a hub of external "doing" activity.   

That's why I was intrigued by an article in the International Herald Tribune which suggests that the Chinese youth are shifting away from these traditions. They are interested in developing their "soft power" (which is synonymous with feminine energy). 

The author of the article, Didi Kristen Tatlow, interviewed students from the post 80's generation in China to discuss their aspirations and what drives this new group of leaders.

She discovered the majority don't envy the wealth of individual American citizens. They say they can easily get "iPhones" and other gadgets, so accumulating material things is not a motivating factor.   

What they are looking for is a better value system. They want a life with quality and meaning - a life which maintains the importance of home, family and cultural roots. They want something more than the single - focus on work that drove their parents.

This search for "moral meaning" is at the heart of feminine energy. It "works to live" and is all about being, rather than doing.

The Chinese youth are unexpected leaders in this quest. But when the offspring of those who lived through three decades of communism followed by three decades of an aggressive economic growth curve seek to balance their value-system, we should take inspiration from their leadership. Do you think that we will?

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Connect Emotionally for Effective Networking

If you want to be remembered, connect emotionally with those you meet - you'll find it's the basis of successful networking.

I've been thinking about this as I have just returned from a trip to Southeast Asia. We visited 10 different destinations over a three-week period and in each location we had a different guide. Each one did a superb job.

They knew their facts, efficiently scheduled activities, were unfailingly polite, and open to program changes as we went along. While we enjoyed our time with every guide, there were some we simply connected with more than others.

What makes us remember one, while others fade into oblivion? And, why do we take the time to enter the contact information of specific individuals in our address book with the full intention that we will keep in touch?

The answer is simple: it’s those with whom we made an emotional connection. And how did that happen? The guides who shared personal stories with us - who told how their families reacted to significant events, either with pain and suffering or happiness and elation - they are the ones that we remember. They are the ones with whom we want to stay connected.

The best guides brought their history and culture alive through personal antecedes, expressed with feelings. The more emotion they expressed, the more we empathized. The more we empathized, the deeper the relationship we developed. Nothing felt staged - it made it real for us.

It is the same with you and networking. We are taught that our business and personal lives should be separate but when we share stories of our families and discuss our feelings, we are more human and people relate. Everyone has a family - it’s a place to find common ground.

I used to work in sales in a corporate job and many years later, the people that make an effort to stay in my life are those where we got to know one another personally. We bonded through our families, by being sincere, by being vulnerable, and by revealing who we really are. That's what effective networking is all about. Can you feel the importance of connecting through emotions?

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Be Really Present to Make Real Connections

Successful networking comes not just from meeting people but from truly connecting with them. And, that is best accomplished from being in the present moment. 

In his book, "Never Eat Alone," Keith Ferrazzi says successful networkers don't just meet people, they make friends. He cites Bill Clinton's "unique ability to create an almost instantaneous intimacy with whomever he's talking to" as an example.

Clinton, he says, "doesn't just recall your personal information; he uses the information as a means to affirm a bond with you." He also quotes a former political colleague who said that Clinton "hugs you, not only physically, but with a whole attitude." 

I don't know Bill Clinton personally, but I can tell from these descriptions that he is a man who is dedicated to meeting people in the present moment.

When you focus on the "now" you really listen, enabling you to feel what others are feeling and be empathetic. That sharing of emotions is how you bond.

When you stand talking to someone and your mind is somewhere else, people will sense that your energy isn't with them and their energy dissipates as well. There is no electricity and the opportunity for the energy circuit between you is lost.

Bonds are created when others believe that you care for them as much as you care for yourself. That is Clinton's talent and we can learn from him.

Start by completely focusing on the individuals that you meet. Pay attention to the detail of their expression and their tone of voice. Soak it in without judgment and with appreciation for your time together. Take a deep breath and hug them with all your senses. They will feel it and so will you.

In fact, you're sure to be remembered because you didn't just meet someone, you made a real connection. You did it by being really present.

Being in the present feels good, connecting feels good and successful networking feels good. Who doesn't want all that?

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Reach Out to Take Care of Yourself

Feminine energy is very "other" oriented but, if women want to get ahead, they must break that pattern. To take care of themselves they need to reach out and network in a strategic manner.

It's all part of balancing their natural energy with a healthy dose of masculine energy and developing good Gender Physics.

Masculine energy starts by establishing a goal. Goals are how we grow. They mean you are taking a risk but that's how you succeed. Feminine energy is very risk averse so it's not a surprise that women don't set more goals. Just by setting a goal you are developing your masculine energy.
 
Next, you need to identify who can help you reach your goal. Once you've determined the individuals who are on that list, you need to decide how often you will reach out and connect with them.

However, in my experience, women are better at doing this for others than for themselves. For example, when I was doing investor relations at PotashCorp, I established a list of our company's major shareholders (those who owned 100,000 shares or more).

Then I set a target of visiting each of these shareholders personally, in their office, once per year. It was an aggressive action-plan that kept us constantly on the road, but it helped us stay in touch with those we depended upon for capital. We wanted to grow our company so their support was integral to us reaching our goal.  

Notice how easy it was for me to set aggressive goals for my company? (It's an example of being very "other oriented.").

What is interesting is that I no longer work at PotashCorp and now have established my own speaking business. Have I established a goal? A list of those who can help me? Have I set targets as to how often to reach out and connect with them? Unfortunately, not. I know better but I don't do for myself exactly what made me successful at PotashCorp. 

If you're like me, there is hope. We can both establish a goal, determine who can help us reach our goal, and decide how often we'll connect with them.

Most importantly, if we pretend that we are doing this for a client rather than for ourselves, we'll make it a priority. It's a way to "trick" ourselves into doing it.

Reaching out and strategically developing a network is key to meeting your goals and taking care of yourself. Are you ready to balance your "other" with yourself? 

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Women's Contributions Forgotten

Women's contributions are forgotten when history is written. I thought about this while traveling in Viet Nam and taking in some of the war museums (whether you call it the Viet Nam war or the American war depends on your perspective, I learned).

While there, I watched a propaganda film produced by the Viet Cong in 1967 to encourage people to support their cause and fight the Americans. In the film, women were portrayed as bravely sabotaging the enemy by day while happily working the fields at night. It put new meaning to the phrase "a woman's work is never done."   

Apparently the films did its job, as women signed up in droves and were highly effective Viet Cong guerrilla fighters. Unfortunately, after being an integral part of war, they weren't decorated at its conclusion and the government posts in the new communist administration went almost exclusively to the men.

Stieg Larrsen, author of the wildly successful "Millennium" trilogy, expresses the same sentiment in the preface of "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest." He says some six hundred women fought in the American civil war dressed up as men and wonders why this significant piece of history has been overlooked.

"Historians have often struggled to deal with women who do not respect gender distinctions, and no where is that distinction more sharply drawn than in the question of armed combat," he says.

When war is waged, women have not been shy to play their part as common soldiers alongside men. During the conflict, the "powers that be" welcome their help but are reluctant to acknowledge their contribution once success is reached.

It's not a surprise that women support the cause as feminine energy is strongly motivated by its value system. It's also not a surprise that women don't seek individual recognition, as feminine energy is dedicated to the collective.

There is an opportunity here to tell our stories and recognize our significance - especially those of our gender who act outside of accepted norms. In doing so, each of us can ensure that women's contributions are not forgotten. Shall we start?

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Lessons Learned Crossing the Street

There are many lessons to be learned from crossing the street - especially in Viet Nam, which is home to 20 million motorbikes. I swear, at any point in time, the majority of them are roaring about!

We experienced it first in the city of Saigon where there are eight million people and five and one half million motorbikes. Every street is teeming with them - some transporting entire families, others loaded with agricultural or building supplies. One poor driver even struggled to balance a huge water tank on the back of his seat.

Most of the drivers are wearing masks as a defense against the fumes. It makes them look like a stampede of some strange and unpredictable animal as you stand assessing your options on the corner.
 
Prior to my trip, many people warned me about the frenetic activity and craziness of the traffic. One friend even likened crossing the street to assisted suicide. It's not unheard of for an inexperienced tourist to spend 15 stressful minutes to get to the opposite curb.   

But I learned that crossing the street in Viet Nam is a reflection of life. It's best to start by finding a calm place inside, regardless of the commotion around you. Then, just like life, you have to let go of fear, take a risk and step off the curb. If you are going to progress, you won't get there by standing still. New sights beckon, a few meters away, and getting there is part of the adventure!

Once you are in the midst of the motorized jungle, you have to focus on your goal. Now is not the time to hesitate or question your decision. You have to walk with confidence, with your eye on your destination, as you proceed forward. (Remember that this applies to life as well.)

The last thing that you learn is to trust. There is an ebb and flow to the city and this rhythm is part of the dance. If you take the lead, the drivers will follow. We each have a goal and, if we accommodate one another, we'll both get there. Once again, these lessons in crossing the street are important in life. Are you ready to start walking?

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Good and Bad All At Once?

Can things be both good and bad all at once? On a recent trip to Cambodia, I listened to descriptions of the darkest accounts imaginable, inflicted by the Khmer Rouge, and I struggled to process it.

Still reeling from the horror of those stories, I experienced the dramatic beauty of the Angkor Wat temples. Marveling at their architectural perfection, I wondered how these polar opposites can exist alongside one another, all within one country.

Cambodia's palm tree is a metaphor. Providing roofs for houses, fruit to eat and juice to drink, it was always considered a tree of life by the country's citizens. But at the "Killing Fields," they learned their revered foliage could also be the tree of death when the Khmer Rouge used the sharp edge of its branches to chop off the heads of their fellow countrymen.

Does that make the palm tree good OR bad? Consider that it could be both good AND bad all at once...just like all of us. We do good things and we do bad things. More importantly, maybe do we don't need to decide whether the palm is good or bad, but simply let it exist - just as it "is."

Maybe this same principle applies to everything else? William Shakespeare obviously believed that to be true as he said, "There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

That makes sense to me and here's my conclusion: When I over think things, I fall into judgment, which is when I label things as good or bad. Judgment takes me out of the present moment and away from feelings of peace. 

So rather than labeling things as good or bad, I'm going to practice just "letting them be." It doesn't mean that I have to try to make sense out of the insanity of the Khmer Rouge but rather that I'll practice acceptance.

Like the Cambodian people, I hope that will allow me to move forward in a healthy way, regardless of the situation. Can you see that things can be good and bad all at once so there is no sense in labeling them?

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Forgive AND Remember

"How can one forgive, yet prevent it from happening again?" I asked myself this while touring the "Killing Fields" recently in Cambodia. My answer was, "by being aware and remembering."  

The facts are almost unbelievable - between 1975 and 1979, the Khmer Rouge killed between two and three million of their own people in an attempt to restructure their country into a complaint, agricultural, peasant-run cooperative.

The stories of their methods are gruesome. They separated families, brutally killed the babies and turned children into soldiers, demanding they take their parents' lives. It was all done in the name of "cleansing and purifying" the nation. 

It is hard to believe these heart-breaking acts were being carried out while I was at home eating my Cheerios. It is even harder to imagine as we see Phnom Penh today, vibrant and fast-paced. It is nicknamed the "Lexus City" for its availability of luxury goods.

Yet, only a few decades ago, Phnom Penh was a ghost town when the Khmer Rouge marched its inhabitants, regardless of age or physical condition, to work as slaves in the countryside. 

Today, many of the city's youth would like to "forgive and forget" as they move forward in the name of progress. The economy has been liberalized - the country is opening a stock market and foreign investors have announced they plan to erect the world's second tallest building, which is heady stuff! Some would like to ignore the pain of the past while others are in complete denial, saying the deaths are a fairy tale.

However, only remembering will break the pattern evident throughout Cambodian history: after conflict and turmoil the country builds with flourish (eg. Angkor Wat). Following that, a new and repressive leader often instigates a painful civil war.

Each of us can learn from the atrocities of Cambodia. It is important to forgive and to move forward but, to change a pattern, we have to remember what got us there in the first place. We can't deny; we must be aware. Can you forgive those who have harmed you while still remembering?

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